You know how people tend to get real reflective on their life come New Year's Eve? That's how I'm feeling right now. In 9 days I will be another year older. I can honestly say that I have basically wasted an entire year of my life. That's right, 33 was a big fat waste of 365 days. Ok, maybe not all of those days were wasted. Actually, I did do some pretty awesome things (more on that later...) (I know, I know I say that all the time... see the opener) But the majority of this past year has been full of tears, depression, unhappiness, loneliness, lack of follow through, hibernation, fear and self-loathing, etc... Basically full of win: lite; full of crap: heavy. And I am not trying to have a repeat.
Yesterday, and pretty much every so often , I was sitting there thinking about ways that I could make it better. Here is a snippet of the inner dialogue:" I want to do something but I don't know what. I want to go somewhere, but I don't know where. I don't have anybody to do something or go somewhere with. Oh yeah and, I don't have any $ to go somewhere and do something with either. So I'll just sit here and feel crappy about it. I'll go online. I don't know where to go. I don't have anyone to talk to.." Press continuous replay and you basically have the soundtrack of my life. "Maybe I need to make one of those vision boards. Yeah I'm gonna go get poster board and magazines and glue and.....well maybe when I go to the store on Xday in the future..." "I should write/blog....yeah later today or Xday in the future, not right now cause I really don't feel like it" "I should...." "Maybe I'll...." "I want to...." NOTHING! I DON'T DO ANY OF IT! Cause I just talk about it and plan about it and think about it. I need to BE about it. lol (total cheese I know)
This morning, I was on Twitter reading tweets by people BEing and DOing things, like how I wish I was. I stumbled across "The Daily Love" and this post, "If you want to change, get real with yourself" . Dude this was so on time. This line right here
" I am drawing a line in the sand with myself and putting myself on notice that I am the cause of this effect that I do not want in my life and I am choosing to remain stuck in an unwanted effect, not because of some outside circumstance, situation or person, but because of me alone."
This is so me. I know it. I just have to follow through with making it be true no longer. TDL is suggesting that one gets honestly real with one's self and write down what is holding you back. So of course I thought.."I'm going to go get a new journal and start writing down...." DUDE wake the heck up. You have 52billion&2 journals that have like 12 entries that all say the same thing over and over (see this entire post). Not to mention that just means you are going to put it off. DO IT NOW!Not Now... Right Now! Hence SimplyME actually blogging today.
I remember watching the Oprah finale. There were several points that had me in tears literally, because they hit so close to home.
"we often block our blessings cause we think we aren't __enough. YOU alone ARE enough!"
"you are responsible for your life. don't wait for someone to fix you save you or complete you."
"there is a difference between thinking you deserve to be happy and knowing you are worthy of happiness"
That is my fear. That I am not enough. Enough of anything, interesting enough, smart enough, fun enough. That is why I don't put myself out there. Why would anyone want to hang around me? What do I contribute to the world? What do I have to bring to the table? This is why I blog. This is why I don't blog. This is why I read. This is why I'm a LazyBUM. This is why I craft. I want to feel like I have something that makes me worth paying attention to, hopefully to entice people to want to know me. But I don't say anything. I don't put my words and thoughts out there so that people could potentially notice me. I watch others BEing and DOing and think about how I would love to be BEing and DOing too. I lurk. I stand on the sidelines. I hope that someone sees ME there wanting to play and invites me into their circle and let's me play too. I've been this way my whole 33yrs and 51 weeks. I've always aligned myself with the always EXTRA girl. You know the one people either love or loathe. And I'm always the Regular Girl, the seemingly unnoticed, drafting off their shine. Then I end up feeling like I am not enough because I am not like said EXTRA girl.
Yo, NO you are not like that. Be happy about it. That doesn't make you not enough. It makes you YOU. It is what puts the ME in SimplyBEing...SimplyME. Embrace it. Love it. Flaunt it. BE about it. Talk about it. Blog about it. Closed mouths don't get fed. And girl you are hungry.....